Forty-Five Minutes Of Me

So you've had a quick overview of how 2024/25 went for me.. But what we did miss out is the turning up for myself and joining the Gym.

Being a larger guy I went to all the local gyms - The Gym Group, Nuffield Health, PureGym, even fancier ones like Bannatyne's and felt like I wasn't their correct clientele just some fat guy who's going to join for 3 months and then leave - and I know you get told, people aren't looking at you, but that sixth sense that you've had all your life of feeling the eyes looking at you or the tension in the room is just off it hits hard..

So I ditched them and I went to look at David Lloyd! Because they recently took over the Sports Centre it had that close knit community where people of all ages want to be there to get fit, none of this "Dwayne the rock 2.4 being made" or some meat head grunting at a 150kg deadlift, and then dropping them on the floor making an awful racket... I still don't understand why they do it.. even when I'm getting fatigued I still make an effort to not do that - despite my PT encouraging me to "Tap" the ground with the weights when squatted lifts.

When I joined I had a PT session with a fantastic PT she was great, someone who made me accountable, she was like the mother you never asked for - Have you eaten, what have you eaten, you can't eat that, drink more, walk more - and the person that was like Jordan - you can lift more than this, stop having me on!

It felt like the first time someone had my back when I didn't have myself for a long time, nothing expected in return just there.

Unfortunately when my uncle moved in in August, I lost that freedom of going at whatever time I wanted to go to the gym. Usually the 6am start when at that time of the day most people are still asleep and the world is quiet. So with working a full-time job 9-5 and only having carers in at 9-6 it was difficult to find the time I needed - the time that I had just to be Jordan, to work on myself - So I stopped going to the gym for a while.

Fast forward to February this year where things were getting bad with my Uncle - constant shouting and no rest and being told by social services that they're doing everything they can to get him into respite from December with an open ended promise of this nursing home could cope - no they won't unless he had his own 1-1 support that he has when he's at home. He won't cope with being left in a room at the end of the corridor and only checked on at meal time or when they think he needed a coffee - so the hope of him finding somewhere suitable vanished.

Then the end of February happened I lost my cool and couldn't cope with the new added responsibility of being a carer for him and my grandad, because I worked from home 99.999% of the time, family just assumed that I didn't have anything better to do.

After a week of calling the social services team, to be told - we'll call you back - I told the carers not to come to my house, and instead go to my Grandad's as that's where my uncle will be - then surprisingly quickly - Social services called me - We're sorry we've left you, here have 24/7 care until we can sort something out -

It difficult having people come into your house and you being asleep upstairs whilst they're downstairs - What if I met someone and wanted to get frisky, what if I wanted to walk from the bathroom to the bedroom naked - there came the anxiety of being an imposter in my own home. A home that I had started to make feel like mine, not one that had been shared for 5 years.

We'll go into that another time,

So the 24/7 support carried on and kept getting extended, so I decided, I'll get back to the Gym and start my PT session again, unfortunately that rock that I found in my PT couldn't continue, as she'd taken on new clients, additional work - so I booked a one-off session with someone new and the fear of well what if we don't get on, what if I don't like them.. and most importantly - what if my original PT found out and hated me for it!

She wasn't just a PT she was a friend and I'd hate to lose that.

Well here we are in June and I've been going consistently since the end of April 2x a week at 7am with another amazing PT - I've been manifesting OMI's Cheerleader, but she turned up in a PT - we have laughs and jokes, but she holds me accountable for the gym pushing me but also giving me that space when things are all sunshine and hopefulness - because you can't just turn everything off and pretend that you're fine.

So Yeah here's to showing up for yourself when you can't be arsed to get out of bed, when you haven't eaten or drank enough having someone there even if it makes the dark clouds disappear for 45mins it's still 45mins of me time and not a Dad, A Carer, an IT Guy.