The Two Day Gap

Well what a week this has been.

You know I can’t actually remember what’s happened or why it’s happened. All I know is that the big black dog has been here uninvited and didn’t pay attention to the flight attendant emergency exit routine of exit here, here and here.

Monday I forced myself to the gym, as much as I hate to admit it, I do feel somewhat better after it, but this week it was different.

It didn’t.

I felt worse than when I went in.

Tuesday, I upset someone because I don’t know how to talk about my feelings because for years I’ve been suppressing them and not known how to talk about them, and then ended up hurting her. I then didn’t sleep Tuesday evening.

Wednesday, the alarm went off while my phone was in my hand, and then we had my uncle kick off, spitting at me, shouting at me, telling me to fuck off. I’m sure to it unfortunately its him, then he did something I never wish on anyone.

He Kat Slater-slap slapped me across the face.

I didn’t know what to do or say, so I didn’t. I got him dried and left him with his carers and called my boss and told him I wouldn’t be in today.

Thursday, no sleep.

Gym day number 2.

However, I fell asleep and was woken by Em saying “You here?”

Crap no, you’ve just woken me up.

She's really fine with it you know. This is just your body saying you need time to rest and recover, don’t worry about it.

Choir in the evening, I was looking forward to it but at the same time wish I didn’t have to put that fake smile on, and be the happy person that everyone relies on. As the evening went on, choir was getting tired and making silly mistakes and they started to annoy me, but we carried on and I tried biting my tongue.

Today, Thursday's Jordan thought it would be good to book a catch-up PT session, so we were at the gym at 7:15 this morning. Doing some new stuff, hitting some PBs, was in a great mood and felt like things had turned for me, even if only slightly.

I came home, had a shower and got ready to take P for an appointment with the psychologist to review his meds.

Then the peace was broken.

I thought Wednesday was bad with the slapping, well he topped it today, grabbed me by the t-shirt collar and hit me, spat at me. I broke down and called my boss in tears saying I’m going to be off today, and then I’d take him to day service, to give me a break.

When I dropped him off he laughed, joked with everyone.

Why can’t he be like that with me?

So I took the time for myself today, went and looked at some campervans to go away when I wanted no need to book anywhere, fancy an evening out, fine let's do it, with no idea of budgets no idea of what I’m looking at.

Whilst I was out the opticians called to say, your glasses are here. So I decided to take myself to the centre, pick them up, and treat myself to lunch and a drink.

Came home, played the piano for a bit, MX5 roof down and a drive this evening.

I don’t feel 100%. I’m not sure I even feel 10%. But I’m still here and that's a small win, even if no one else wants that.