The Door I Can't Find

I know things won't change unless I do something about it, but how?

How do you just summon up the courage to go out on a Saturday evening and go and sit at a bar. What do you even do, talk to the server? Do they even want to talk to you? Not only when you get older do the years go quicker because you're not learning something every day but your ability to make new friends also dwindles.

Going out on a Saturday evening and sitting at a bar sounds simple from the outside, but it’s actually several things at once:

Leaving the house.
Being seen.
Being alone in public.
Not knowing the rules.
Potentially being ignored.
Potentially looking awkward.
Potentially having to start a conversation.

Potentially having one not go anywhere.

Then some of those have their own sub tasks and this is where the ADHD I’m not doing that because overloadment!

So we instead sit in the bedroom, because you’ve got imposter syndrome in your own home, as the carer for P is in the living room watching Season 3 Episode 6 of the cleaning lady. You can’t play the piano because it’s an upright, and it’s also 21:46 and P is in bed!

So you start writing this for your blog, and then feel even shittier about it. You realise you’re not really writing about going to a bar. You’re writing about wanting your life to be bigger than this room, but not knowing where the door is.

Why is life so hard? Why is it so difficult to get a match on Hinge, Tinder, Facebook Dating. There’s a part of me that wants to update the bios and be like earn X a year, has two cars, has a 4 bed house but that just attracts the wrong type of people. But that small voice that is craving affection, closeness and connection is like you’ll be beating them off with a stick.

I know I can’t be anything other than I am, an overthinker, ADHD musician who works in IT to pay the bills. I don’t want to go and watch a movie by myself - mainly because the sleep apnoea will take a hold and I’ll end up falling asleep 😆

If you do actually read my blogs, please do send me an email, I mean, if you’re single and I haven’t scared you off.. How you doin’